What Do I Want?
(Capstone Development)
One of the best ways to understand who you are is to find solitude within yourself. Solitude is seen as this peaceful and productive state of mind that releases the painful thoughts and washes them away, a time of self-reflection and contemplation. When we want solitude, we are choosing to find it rather than forcing ourselves . In contrast with solitude is Isolation. When we feel like were isolated, it is this fear-based state of separation that we don’t want to necessarily choose, but it feels like a permanent scar that can’t go away, like it is the only choice to make to protect ourselves. There is this sort of artistry of finding solitude; it’s like a spectacle, something entertaining to learn or discover for yourself. Your values, the future you desire, thoughts, feelings, and emotions become uncomplicated to understand. The desire for solitude, versus the distress from isolation, changes constantly depending on countless emotional and environmental influences. Solitude and isolation can be experienced not only from socially distancing yourself, but also anywhere you go.
For over half a year, I have been living completely on my own. No roommates, no partner, just myself. Though it’s peaceful, I am still learning how to be alone with myself. I have become more than grateful for the community that I have developed so far, and I never fail to feel the unity of the people around me. But why does it feel so hard to find this peace on my own? It is attainable, and I have felt it before, but why do these negative thoughts and overwhelming emotions always come back, even though I understand and remember all the harmony that comes with being in solitude?
Even though I know how much I have grown and changed compared to the me from over half a year ago, the fact is that we are in a constant back and forth of finding and reattaching that solitude within ourselves, even with the thoughts that try to quarrel with us. There is no permanence of understanding yourself, nor the detrimental fatigue of one’s loneliness. Just frequently asking “Who am I, what am I doing here, how can I become more efficient as a human being?”
These photographs address the insecurities, feelings, and thoughts when I am in isolation, and the processes and ways that lead to finding my own solitude.
In this work, I am compelled to face this internal dialogue and to make my thoughts and emotions become more transparent. It is difficult to navigate and organize the good and bad, the wants and needs, the veracious and fallacious. As a constant over-thinker, I can drive myself mad to a point where I don’t know what’s right or wrong, but expressing this through photographs allows a different perspective. Through self-portraiture, I don't need to perform for others' benefit; I can be more honest, more authentic, more me. The double portraits extend this notion further, representing how I find my own serenity and wisdom and embrace my insecurities. They let me build a relationship with myself and with photography.